It's funny how much I knew about being a parent, before I actually became one.
Now I know nothing.
Nothing at all.
These squirmy little replicas are anything but consistent- something works one day, while the next day it is completely wrong ("But you liked broccoli 5 minutes ago!!!").
But I have learned there are some MAJOR differences between baby #1 to baby #2. Those of you reading this with only one child (or no children) will scoff and think "I will never!". But...I never thought I would fish the things I do out of the toilet either (things that aren't supposed to be there, mind you). It's okay- we can laugh about our naivete together while I'm snuggling your next baby (without having washed my hands- because you know, germs? Meh.).
So what changes? I'll tell you.
Baby #1- I cried when she didn't poop right.
Read that again.
I CRIED over BABY DOO-DOO. Granted, I was only a week post-partum and my hormones were so crazy I could've been my own episode of The Real Housewives. But she wasn't DOING it enough! The little hospital book said like 8 times a day, (or something) because I triple checked- and Googled it, and tried to find a Yahoo answer and Baby Center forum.
Baby #2- Turns out you don't actually have to cry over poop. Most likely they'll do it and it'll be fine. If not, there's a sweet little trick I learned with baby #1- a Q-Tip up the bum works every time. Guaranteed. (Though from experience let me tell you, you'll want extra wipes in close proximity.)
Baby #1- I think I bought her 10 pairs of shoes (not even exaggerating) for her first 3 months of life. She never went anywhere un-accessorized.
Baby #2- All those shoes are now hand-me-downs and guess how many times she's worn them? I'll give you a hint: none. A hair bow or headband only happens if it's within arms reach as we're heading out the door or we're getting professional pictures.
Baby #1- I read every single book there was to read about sleep habits and fostering good schedules. And we tried them all.
Baby #2- It's whatev. Sleep when you're tired, eat when you're hungry. It'll work itself out.
Baby #1- Mandatory bath every night as part of a good bedtime routine followed by lavender lotion massage.
Baby #2- You didn't do much today, did ya? Only spit up twice? We're good- bath tomorrow, k? K.
Baby #1- YOU TOUCHED DIRT! You! (pointing at husband)- Get the hand sanitizer! You! (Pointing at mother)- call the pediatrician! SHE'S GOING TO DIE!
Baby #2- We'll just wash it off when you get a bath. Tomorrow.
Baby #1- No media until age 2! Never in sight of the TV (your brain might explode!).
Baby #2- Here, watch Mickey Mouse with your sister for a minute so I can pee alone for 10 seconds. Oh look! Your brain didn't explode.
Baby #1- Binky falls on the floor at home- wash it off with soap and water. Binky falls on the floor in public place- put binky back into diaper bag to boil when you get home and pull out one of your five spares- you prepared mother, you.
Baby #2- Binky falls on the floor at home- blow it off (if something is visibly on it) and pop it back in. Bink falls on the floor in public place (if you actually remembered to pack one)- same as above (okay maybe you wipe it off with a diaper wipe- if someone's watching).
Baby #1- Prenatal yoga class every week up until 37 weeks pregnant. Post-partum exercise starting at exactly 6 weeks.
Baby #2- Prenatal yoga a grand total of twice. Post-partum exercise starting...tomorrow! I shall start tomorrow!
#9 SOLID FOODS
Baby #1- You will start no solid foods until 6 months. We will start with rice cereal, then move to oatmeal, then through fruits and vegetables, starting with vegetables first so you don't develop a preference to only sweet things.
Baby #2- At 3 months: You're really eying this apple I'm eating...want to suck on it for a minute? Oh look at the funny disgusted face you made!! How cute!! Let's do it again. James come watch this, it's funny!
Baby #1- Professional photo shoots at ages newborn, 3, 6, 9 and 12 months! So I can have those cute pictures and also so I can display them at your first birthday party!
Baby #2- Lemme instagram somethin' real quick.
And now that none of my friends will ever want me to watch their kids again...
But you know it's true. Though it doesn't mean we don't love the little boogers any less- it's incredible how much your heart grows with each baby...this time around, we just know they're a little more durable!